I was reading the Sunday NY Times this morning (my weekly old-school ritual) and came across this quote in Adam Bryant’s “Corner Office” column:
I used to care a lot that people liked me. That’s no longer as much the case. Of course, nobody wants not to be liked, but I don’t care as much. I remember feeling liberated when it no longer influenced my decision-making. – Deborah Bial, president of the Posse Foundation
These words brought back to mind my own struggles with the need to be liked. When I was suddenly thrust into a COO-type role when I was 27, the desire to be liked was at the forefront of just about everything I said and did.
After all, it was so human to want to be liked. And I had a real fear of the opposite – to be disliked – because of a few childhood experiences that left a big mark on me.
Which takes us to the corollary to liked: to belong. I always equated being liked to full acceptance into the tribe. That sense of security, of belonging. Conversely, during those times I was shunned, and not part of a desired tribe, I felt isolated. Alone. Lost.
It was with those deep inner feelings that I jumped into the leadership pool back in 1987, and like Deborah Bial, I really did care a lot that people liked me.
And it affected my leadership in a very unproductive way. Instead of focusing on good business decisions, I focused on decisions that kept me in the tribe – “one of the guys”, as it were.
Compounding the issue were my direct observations of my boss at the time, who was totally disliked and isolated in his ivory tower, and was almost always unhappy.
I knew I couldn’t just reverse course and forget about being liked. I did NOT want to end up like my boss. But on the other hand, I wasn’t making good decisions.
One day, after weeks of frustration, it finally dawned on me – there WAS a middle ground I could strive for.
It was exactly what Deborah said in that quote – “don’t care as much“. I dialed it down a notch or two. But I still cared. I decided that if I was going to make better decisions that were not unduly influenced by my fears of being disliked, I needed to still care about the people that were being effected by those decisions, by being three things:
Fair and unbiased
Transparent and honest
Contextual (always explaining the “why”)
Once I followed these new rules, I could make the hard decisions that would displease people – and because I was fair, honest and contextual, the resulting “disliking” would almost always focus on the decision, and not me personally.
So by being less focused on being liked and more focused on the people I led, and the decision process itself, I actually WAS more liked and accepted by my team.
Go figure.
Which brings us back to the headline question: Do Leaders Need to Be Liked To Be Successful?
I would say this: Yes, but it’s more than OK to have your decisions disliked, provided you follow my rules.
Lead well!
I think the word is wrong. I don’t think it is “liked”. I like cupcakes and puppies but I wouldn’t let them lead me.
I think the word is repected. I respect people who lead me if they show compentency. I respect them if they make decisions that, though I don’t agree with, I can see how it benefits my company and by extension me. I respect them if they listen to my input and don’t have their mind made up already. I respect them if they have a clear vision they can communicate and don’t appear to be making it up as they go along. I respect them if they walk the walk and talk the talk. I respect them if they are sincere and not fake (there is nothing worse than a non-relevant compliment just to give me a compliment). I respect them if they come up with their own leadership style and not follow a book style over the edge of cliff. I respect them if they take the time to understand my job, my challenges, my needs so they can speak coherently to my areas of control.
We aren’t going to become blood-brothers or “besties”. This is rare. So I don’t need a leader that I like, I need a leader I can respect. What I need is a leader I can and would follow.
Give me that I will “like” you.
Thanks Tony for your comment (and apologies for the delay in approving it). Good points all – respect is essential, on both sides of the leadership equation. I especially agree with your point about not following “a book style over the edge of a cliff”. Right or wrong on the words used, we’re circling around the same thing as to what is ultimately the objective – “a leader I can and would follow”.
Thanks again for your perspective on this, and all the best!
Terry
Great article. I would like to add the word ‘authenticity’ to the mix. Authenticity has moved some global organisations to engage in a search for highly talented business leaders who are also really nice people armed with self awareness, emotional intelligence and the humility that both require. This is, after all, one of the best ways to defend unique corporate cultures that have been built over the course of many years.
Hi Bob, thanks for stopping by, and for the kind words. I would certainly concur with adding authenticity to the mix of the leadership “right stuff”.
All the best!
Terry
I think it depends on the type of industry one works in. In certain types competence and trustworthiness are the most important, as the lives of those lead depend on the leader. In other industries being likable might matter. I think without regard to type of industry, being authentic is important, as that way trust is more likely to be established between a leader and the followers. Any form of acting or manipulation would hurt the relationship if already formed, or would hinder the development of trust. If there is a team which goes through the phases of Forming – Storming – Norming and Performing, it is very likely that manipulations would extend the length of the storming period and the team might not even reach the norming phase ever. Being likable sometimes might help with certain individuals, as illustrated in the above example, however best is if the relationship builds on a foundation which was built by a competent good character, a role model rather than a likable person.
Hi Susana, thanks for your comment. I agree that a competent good character is essential to building trust, and thus, creating a leader’s best chance for success.
All the best!
Terry