At one time or another, I’m sure you have heard the well-traveled leadership lesson called “A Short Course in Human Relations” (in case you haven’t , here’s a good little video reminder), which starts with the Six Most Important Words (“I admit I made a mistake”), and ended with the One Most Important Word (“we”).
It’s well traveled because despite its contrivance, there are some great lessons there.
However, it never stuck in my mind as much, or ultimately became as important to my leadership learning, as a little addition to that list I heard about 22 years ago.
It was one of the first meetings I had with my new boss at that time. He was asking me a question about something, and truthfully, I can’t even remember what it was. I just remember answering in a way that clearly indicated I wasn’t very sure I had the right answer. I’m sure you all know what I mean – like a Jeopardy contestant answering in the form of a question.
I tried to answer it, even though I wasn’t very confident, because in a subconscious way I thought that I was expected to have the answer. I had this mindset that blurting out “I don’t know” would be a very bad thing – a way of not measuring up.
My boss clearly heard the doubt, and correctly challenged me on it. “Are you SURE about that”, he asked. “Absolutely, positively, SURE??”. I stammered and couldn’t get anything out of my mouth. This time, he replied with an even more pointed question. “Are you willing to bet a year’s salary on that answer???”
“No”
Bummer. I was busted.
And here’s where the addition to the “Short Course in Human Relations” came in. My boss now became a teacher. He said, “My boy, it’s not a crime to not know the answer – you just need to say the seven most important words” –
“I don’t know, but I’ll find out”
Yes, it was OK – I didn’t need to know everything, BUT…..
I needed to at least have the ability (and desire) to find the answers if I didn’t know them off the top of my head.
That was a critical lesson for me, one that I still think about nearly every day. Because now, I’m typically on the other side of those questions, asking people for answers. And if I’m setting expectations correctly, in that I don’t need everyone to have total knowledge, that I don’t need to have people guess at things, and my teammates feel comfortable with me, and ultimately TRUST me, when I ask them a question they cannot answer I too will hear those seven words.
And quickly thereafter I will get my answer.
Conversely, I need to keep saying those seven words too – yes, even bosses don’t know everything. I can’t pretend to, even when those old feelings creep into my head. It takes a little courage to admit it. But I must.
All leaders must.
It’s candor with a promise attached – and a promise that gets fulfilled much more easily with right expectations in place. A pretty darn good combination, for just seven little words.
Try adding them to your leadership toolbox, and see how important they become for you.
Thanks so much for the reminder. I often find myself in the same situation: wanting the be the leader with the answer. I like how you put it though. Someone once told me also, “Leaders are leaders because they know who to follow.” I’d add, “Leaders aren’t leaders because they’re always right – they’re leaders because they know how to lead (often by example), which means asking for help.”
Being right is an overrated thing from my perspective. Being open-minded and capable to reach sound perspectives as you get more info is much more important. Certainty is pretty much an illusion in the complex reality we live and work in.
Eduard
I learned this same lesson when I worked as a tour guide at a welcome center. What was funny is that no one but me said those seven words — but the response from guests was so positive that my boss started observing me and retooled his training for new employees.
So I learned: 1) Serve others, even if it makes more work, and 2) A good leader keeps learning… even from the low-level employees.
Thank you for calling up those memories. That kind of leadership was inspiring and made work enjoyable. 🙂
We’ll never know it all. I think it is humbling to remember that. Being honest in our response to questions reveals a great deal about our character and builds trust.
Thanks Marshall, Eduard, Christina, and Jeremy for your comments!
Marshall, sometimes asking for help is the hardest thing for a leader to do. But you are right, it does set an example – and leads to an honest, open, and trustful environment. And that’s what we’re shooting for.
Eduard, when I think about certainty, I think about every budget or financial plan I’ve every reviewed or prepared – I’ve never hit one of them, exactly. But that’s not the point, as you so well note.
Christina, thanks for sharing that lesson – yes, learning must be an ongoing, and never-ending, process.
Jeremy, you hit the nail on the head with that statement. I couldn’t have said it any better!
Thanks to you all, and happy holidays!
Terry
Terry, these seven words should be stuck on everyone’s wall as a reminder that not only is it OK to state that we don’t have all the answers, it is expected. The most valuable knowledge is how to find answers, not knowing all the answers. This is a little counter-intuitive in light of our educational processes which place too much value on rote memorization.
The second issue you implicitly raise is that there are too many in this world who stop at just the first three words and have no motivation to execute the last four. One would think that would automatically disqualify someone from a leadership role, but I’m sure we can all identify leaders we know who have little curiosity or passion for growth.
I was always told, “The only stupid questions are the ones you don’t ask.”
Great post Terry. Had a similar experience earlier in my career and did the same thing. Sometimes what you don’t know could be the doorway to unlocking a whole new set of opportunities. Great asset-based thinking advice. Tell the truth Fast…it’s ok to be vulnerable sometimes.
Have a great Holiday.
Hank
I don’t remember when or how I learned the 7 words “I don’t know but I’ll find out”; it was a long time ago but they are ingrained in my being. I often pass these words along to others. They are good words if not overused.
One word of warning to leaders ill prepared or faking: You will be judged on how often you use that phrase and what you use it for.
I truly believe in those 7 words. I work in healthcare where a wrong answer can be deadly. I once had a pharmacy student who recommended the wrong medication to a physician during rounds, who then wrote an order for a patient. Luckily, the error was caught before the patient got the wrong medication. When I asked the student why he answered when he did not know the answer, he said he didn’t want to sound stupid in front of the medical team. Better stupid than dead!
Susan – my wife is a doctor in a teaching hospital as well and has recounted similar stories; must be a common issue among medical students and residents under pressure to look smart (or perhaps a result of fatigue).
I think the one word that should be changed is the second “I”,
A leader needs to be able say “I don’t know” and then invite mutual learning.
“I don’t know, let’s find out” is an opportunity for the other person to develop. When a leader says, “I don’t know, but I will find out”, it continues to foster dependency on the formal leader. This dependency is a reason that many companies do not have a comfort level with their leadership pipeline.
There is a 100% failure rate on every shot not taken.
-Wayne Gretzky
Everybody talks about the obvious: “Nobody knows everything…”.
The most important characteristic of a leader has been always how resourceful he/she is. That is a inherent recognition of his/her own limitations.
Interestingly enough there was an interview today on NPR’s “Talk of the Nation” show with an author of a book called “7”. It was all about orienting your life around this number to create harmony and maintain organization. I don’t know the author’s name (but I can find out). She pointed out all the different ways that our lives are already oriented around the number 7, seven days in a week, seven digits in a phone number (before zip codes came along), seven wonders of the world, etc. It is funny that I just listened to that this morning and now here it is popping up write in front of me to apply to leadership.
Incidentally, customers also appreciate hearing these 7 words. Actually they expect “I’ll find out” to follow “I don’t know” and if it doesn’t, they’ll likely either not return or they’ll want to speak to a manager. “I don’t know” is a dead end. “I’ll find out” indicates resourcefulness. “Let’s find out” which another reader suggested, invites collaboration and that, of course, is way more fun!
I loved Christina’s lessons learned – “So I learned: 1) Serve others, even if it makes more work, and 2) A good leader keeps learning… even from the low-level employees.” Leaders that serve realize unparalleled results.
Your six words “I admit I made a mistake” also teach a key skill to all in the org. — how to give an authentic apology. In my work, I am coaching and teaching these types of skills and SO many people in the business are poor at this. The typical “I am sorry *if I caused you any ….” The *if neutralizes the value of what is being said and the listener often sees it as passive aggressive.
Thanks for your six words and the lesson it teaches!
Kate Nasser
I’d like to offer a spin on your seven words.
Instead of “I don’t know but I can find out,” I suggest, “I don’t know and I can find out.”
Let’s omit that “but” in the sentence and make it more positive.