Terry St. Marie
More Human Leadership

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The Real Secret of Life

August 3, 2008 35 Comments

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I’ve recently discovered the real secret of life. It took me nearly 49 years to figure it out, but as they say, better late than never.

I realize many other very smart people have taken a crack at this one. And some are making millions from their theories (hello, Rhonda Byrne – loved “The Secret“!). Others have put it in a song (e.g. James Taylor, who claimed the secret was “enjoying the passage of time“).

Me, I’m going to lay it out in a blog post. Much quicker than writing a whole book about it, and less complicated than writing a song.

How did I figure it out, finally? This “ah-ha” moment will be revealed later in the post, but I’ll give you a hint – it was during something I was watching on HBO.

For whatever cosmic reason, my path to the “ah-ha” became much clearer of late – I believe it was because I had laid much of the groundwork as a result of my thinking and writing about happiness and half-fullism over the past several years.

Happiness and fulfillment are elusive goals, and while I understood clearly that clear intent and a open-minded perspective were necessary ingredients, I had been searching for something else that would bind everything together into a nearly indestructible whole – the secret of life, if you will.

But now I’ve found it, and am ready to share it with the world.

The real secret of life?

Never grow up.

That’s right, just never grow up – completely. “Adulthood” as our society has defined it is the bane of our happy existence. Being in the open, wondrous, and joyful mind-set of a child as often as possible is the key to opening our hearts and minds.

How should this be applied in practice? Over the past several weeks, I was able to more clearly see the connections between certain “child-like” behaviors and what are commonly considered to be keys to a happy and successful adulthood. I present 7 of them below:

  1. Ice Cream and Candy Stores (Enjoying the Simple Pleasures). When I was in Boulder Colorado two weeks ago, I spent time in ice cream parlors and a candy store. There’s nothing that says “joy” more than walking into these kind of places . The vibe in the candy store was electric – both children and adults smiling and laughing like they had discovered paradise (or Good and Plenties) . Next time you have a chance, go into one of these places and watch a person of any age as they are handed their ice cream cone, or their bag of candy. Pure bliss. The adult lesson here is the enjoyment of simple pleasures – those little things that put a little more sparkle in our eyes and a spring in our step. It can be as simple as an ice cream, or if you are put off by the caloric content, a beautiful sunset (free of any fat or carbohydrates).
  2. Tantrums (Emotional Honesty) . There’s something liberating about wearing your emotion on your sleeve like a child does. Now I’m not advocating that all of us start yelling at the top of our lungs and jumping up and down every time we get upset (as attractive of an option that may be sometimes), but the essence of a tantrum is its raw honesty – there’s no hiding or obfuscating how the child feels. In our adult lives we all too often conceal our real feelings -for me, it’s mostly when I want to avoid conflict. That’s really no way to live our lives – hiding from the truth.
  3. Parental Acceptance (Goal Setting) – This one came to the surface for me just last week. During a whole process of preparing for and delivering a presentation to executive management, I realized that a great deal of what was driving me to do a good job was similar to how I would want to please my parents as a child. That desire for acceptance still tugs at me today – but directed towards mentors and those leaders I respect and admire. This elementary part of humanity is a powerful motivator, and most of the time you don’t even realize it. Down deep, we just want to please – and when that emotion is focused properly, it can be a powerful driver of success and goal setting and attainment.
  4. Singalongs (The Therapy of Music) – My iPod is an interesting machine that I swear has a mind of it’s own when I put it on shuffle – it has some kind of mood sensor in it that picks up my vibe and then serves up just the right song (out of 4,000 possibilities). This past week it decided to play several songs that have children’s voices on it- real “singalongs“, just like we used to love to do when we were kids. Sure enough, when I heard these tracks (“Sing” by the Carpenters and “High Hopes” by Frank Sinatra), I sung along. Thank goodness I was alone in my office at the time, because I really belted them out, with a big wide smile on my face. The adult lesson here – never underestimate the power of music and what it can do for our mood and outlook.
  5. Wonder and Curiosity (Lifelong Learning) – When in Boulder my wife and I watched a couple of street performers work their magic. One in particular was a fantastic juggler, and I couldn’t get over all the children sitting as close as possible to the action, looking absolutely mesmerized by the proceedings. I thought how easily this feeling can be lost as we age – our curious nature can so easily be drummed out of us by the daily grind. We also take a lot of things for granted, never having the time to pause and ask that simple question, “why”? My sense of wonder came back a few weeks ago, when my wife and I watched a mini-series on National Geographic channel called “Earth – the Biography”. This planet of ours is a fascinating place, and for a few hours my wife and I became like those children in Boulder, leaning forward and being awestruck with what we were seeing. We must keep our curiosity, for continuous learning is not only good for the mind, but also for the soul.
  6. Water Fountains (Being Present) – I was walking along the pedestrian mall in Boulder one afternoon and I saw a two year old playing in a water fountain. The child was totally focused on the water going up and down. He was studying it very closely, and began to walk closer to one particular stream. You could tell there was absolutely nothing else on his mind as he extended his hand to feel the water. This focus was quite admirable, especially for us typically multitasking adults. I’m glad he didn’t have a Blackberry buzzing on his waist, or a cell phone to his ear, or was in the midst of sending a DM on Twitter – that would have made it tougher to focus on that water. Watching this not only reminded me of the difficulty of “being present” in our lives, but the real benefit of doing so – an opportunity to truly “see” (and appreciate) what’s in front of you.
  7. Dancing (Exuberance) – Another great memory of our recent Boulder trip was watching the children dance to the street performers’ music, usually with reckless abandon. What fun that was to see such expressions of joy. Which brings me to the “ah-ha” moment I was talking about at the beginning of this post. Just the other night, my wife and I stumbled upon HBO, and a concert special by Justin Timberlake. This is one talented young man, and this concert featured more than just singing – there was a entire troupe of dancers that surrounded him throughout the show, showing off some very energetic and inventive steps. Justin was a quite impressive dancer himself. You could see the high energy on the screen, and feel it in the music. You could see the 18,000 people in the audience having the time of their lives, singing and dancing along. Before you knew it, my wife and I were totally drawn in. We actually felt a little guilty liking it so much, because it’s supposedly “younger persons” music. But like it we did, and when it was over, the exuberance transferred to us.

And that’s when I had the “ah-ha”.

I never want to grow up. I want to retain that exuberance. I can’t forget what being a child was like. I need to remember ice cream, candy stores, tantrums, the yearning for parental acceptance, singalongs, wonder and curiousity, water fountains, and yep, dancing. If I do, this life journey becomes even easier to navigate. And enjoy.

And that’s my version of the secret of life.

Coconut Chocolate Chip, anyone? 🙂

Filed Under: Half-Fullism, Personal Development Tagged With: James Taylor, Rhonda Byrne, secret of life, the secret

Comments

  1. Michelle Vandepas says

    August 3, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    I’m lucky. with a four year old I often find myself doing all of the above. The challenge is to remember to enjoy it, and not be ‘resentful’ of being a mommy and the joys it brings.
    p.s. peppermint is my IC flavor of choice (after chocolate anything)

  2. Stephen Hopson says

    August 3, 2008 at 6:53 pm

    Terry:

    As soon as I started reading this delightful post, two things happened, actually three:

    1. It made me smile and feel warm and fuzzy all over.

    2. I thought you were going to say “a child like Stephen Hopson” because I’ve been told that part of my appeal is the child-like exerburance I tend to display even though I’m in my late 40’s.

    And finally,

    3. It brought me right back to the day we met for the first time at SOBCON08 in Chicago earlier this year. We literally talked for hours and that’s because our inner child were connecting.

    How about that!?! Thanks for the wonderful reminder of the simple yet profound truth that we adults tend to forget as we age.

    And one more thing: sometimes the greatest secrets of life are the simplest!

  3. Keith Burtis says

    August 3, 2008 at 7:03 pm

    I am i full agreement, and has been my mantra for years now. I honestly push back on two things.

    1. Growing up and Growing out! Meaning I dont want to lose the eyes of a child in wonderment.Also, I would like to believe that anything is possible. Your parents always told yu that right? Mine did!

    2. Getting pu in a box! Try it, I dare you! Put me in a box…and I assure you the only remains will be that box shredded to pieces. It is my pain in life dealing with those that feel something has to be done a certain way = BOX.

    I am an artist, and I try to see the beauty in so much as a line. The monetary side of things is starting to come around with patience.

    Thank you for the post.
    Keith Burtis

  4. Dwight says

    August 3, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    Dont forget to lay back a look at the stars!
    Helps put life into perspective.

  5. Mags | Woo-Woo Wisdom says

    August 4, 2008 at 1:57 am

    I think you’d enjoy “I don’t wanna grow up” by Tom Waits ;). You can sing along to it, too!

  6. Joanna Young says

    August 4, 2008 at 2:52 am

    What a perfect start to the week Terry!

    I loved the point about “being present” in particular. I think that’s something children are masterful at – focused, determined, curious, playful, exuberant – while we’re busy being distracted by the minutiae of other things that don’t really matter… especially if it’s at the cost of getting totally ‘into’ those priceless moments

    Thanks for the reminder, and sharing the secret

    Joanna

  7. Rick says

    August 4, 2008 at 6:43 am

    And here I was raised thinking the “secret to life” was to vote Republican 🙂 – guess I can chuck that out the window, too? Good post – here’s to hoping we never grow up, or at least that we can maintain that childishness that brings a smile.

  8. Vicky H says

    August 4, 2008 at 6:53 am

    Terry,

    I totally agree with all your points. Your singalongs subtopic has just reminded me that I need to put batteries in my shower radio.

    I’m a car dancer, I’m usually doing some crazy (not too crazy) dance moves in the car swaying to the music and of course, singing along 🙂

    I needed this optimism this morning. It’s hard to go back to work after the weekend. Thanks. 🙂

  9. mousewords says

    August 4, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    What an awesome post! My nature is to be childlike, but “grown-up” worries have a tendency to muffle that. Well, forget the muffle. I’m going to grab that quantum mechanics book that’s been gathering dust because it’s “just fun but not relevant to my work now;” brush up those *Nsync dance steps my crazy family & I learned from a how-to video; and head on over to Doc Burnstein’s Ice Cream Lab. I think I’ll have the Doc’s Java. 🙂

  10. Linda Sherman says

    August 4, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    This is a great post Terry. Having had the pleasure of meeting you in person, I can vouch for you walking the talk.

    Thank you for commenting on my 08-08-08 auspicious party for Ray’s birthday post. Birthday’s are a good time to reflect on the “meaning of life”. I think it is the kind of attitude you describe that provide the foundation for marriages where both partners can continue to evolve and flourish as well.

  11. Rob says

    August 5, 2008 at 8:50 am

    Thanks Terry for a great post! I’ve always said “I have to grow old, but I don’t have to grow up!” Your article just reminded me to stay true to that, as well as incorporate your excellent advice. I also agree with Dwight…take time to lay back and look at the stars or clouds. Don’t forget to imagine/wonder at the beauty of it all. Thanks again for a refreshing outlook, and a reminder to keep a “child-like” perspective in this adult world we live in.

  12. Barbara Mackie says

    August 5, 2008 at 9:19 am

    My daughter is the love of my life but your blog is a reminder that my joy is also related to spending my time with a child. The constant wave of positive emotions in being with her, watching her, sharing her excitement, innocence, determination; our silly times, our picnics on the livingroom floor, sprinklers in the park, rides at the fair and so much more! How lucky I am to be a single mom at 50 with a 10 year old and have the opportunity to fully understand your “ah-ha”! Thank you and enjoy your new found secret.

  13. ragdoll says

    August 5, 2008 at 10:42 am

    What a wonderful post — and it’s something so many people grapple with, holding on to the ideas and feelings that made you happy as a child only to figure out how to carry them into adulthood. This post makes me think of Randy Pausch’s The Last Lecture.

  14. Barbara Gavin says

    August 5, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    Wondering if one of the secrets to life is to spend more time in Boulder?

  15. Catherine Juon says

    August 5, 2008 at 5:32 pm

    Great post, and really a great reminder to practice both sides of the axiom “Work Hard / Play Hard”. At Pure Visibility, we have a Director of Happiness to help us remember. 🙂

  16. Starbucker says

    August 5, 2008 at 11:54 pm

    Thank you Michelle, Stephen, Keith, Dwight, Mags, Joanna, Rick, Vicky, Christine, Linda, Rob, Barbara, Ragdoll, Barbara, and Catherine for taking the time to comment on this post. Your kind words and additional thoughts on the secret of life are most appreciated. Comments like these make this blogging journey all the more worthwhile. All my best to you all!

    Terry

  17. Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D. says

    August 7, 2008 at 1:06 am

    Wow! The real secret of a happy life–all in one blog post. 🙂

    Nothing is so disgusting as an “adult” who doesn’t know how to have fun, and criticizes those who do. I really believe that some adults were never childlike, even when they were kids.

  18. Lane J says

    August 7, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    I was always told by my grandfather “You have to grow old, but you never have to grow up.” I keep this saying close to me everyday to remember it’s okay to act like I’m 4 at times!

  19. Summy says

    August 8, 2008 at 6:48 am

    I agree with all of these. Also you should take pleasure in everything you do- they you’ll achieve success.

  20. Michelle says

    August 9, 2008 at 6:28 pm

    Brilliantly Awesome! You’ve captured the essence of How to Feel JOY! Woo Hoo! I am going to share your wisdom with EVERYONE I know … and continue to DANCE to “Walking on Sunshine” in my car, GROOVE to the Fabulous Sunday Morning Supermarket music, GRIN at EVERYONE, and INSPIRE those around me to Be Present, Set Goals, Be Honest, Continue to Learn, and EnJOY the simple pleasures of life.
    YAY, Terry!

    (Doing the Happy Dance to the music in my head!)

  21. Starbucker says

    August 10, 2008 at 4:34 pm

    Hi Flora, Land, Summy, and Michelle – thanks so much for stopping by and commenting on this post.

    I’m glad that you agree that “staying young” is not only a good idea, it’s a lot of fun too!

    All the best to you all.
    Terry

  22. Laura Lorek says

    January 3, 2009 at 10:56 am

    Wonderful Peter Pan-like post. A few other things to add to the list: friends and playdates and the joy that comes from helping others.

  23. Wormy says

    August 12, 2009 at 8:12 am

    I love this! Yesssss! Someone talking sense. Being open to play, joy and also knowing that emotions expressed are emotions released are so vital to happiness.

    And I’ve never seen someone receive an icecream cone with a scowl on their face.

  24. Hax says

    May 27, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    I agree you always have too be young. I know people who think they are old as soon as they reach there early twenties and I also see people who think they are young at 40.

    I don’t think I need to say which are happier.

  25. RUPALI SINGH says

    February 16, 2014 at 8:31 pm

    Thank you! I am glad I got to read this as it reminds me how the presence of my daughter (now 8 years) has made all the difference in my life. After reading this, I am going to go back home from work and give her a big hug as if to thank her from my heart for being with me, believing in me and sticking by my side all through our struggles. Though such a small bundle, she has been a huge source of inspiration, motivation, energy and purpose in my life, who gave me so much courage just by throwing those dainty arms around me and I could rise above everything and make it to what we are today! I LOVE YOU DIYA…THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE!:) FROM MOM:)

  26. james says

    March 30, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    I lived this lived this life along time and then miracles started comlng out of nowhere.I never grew up.And don’t want to…james

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