I’ve recently noticed that my all-time most visited post has been my September 27, 2006 entry entitled “Do “Nice” Guys Really Finish Last“.
Apparently there are a great many people Googling this question, harboring the same ill will towards the whole “anti-nice” bias that is encapsulated in that sentence (or perhaps trying to confirm that their opposite behavior is perfectly justified).
Why does this bias continue to vex us? What’s so wrong with this picture?
I think it stems from the implication that in order to “get” something (i.e. like a girlfriend, or a job), one needs to be overtly aggressive, so much so that a line is crossed into nastiness.
“Bad” boys win – “good” ones lose. You see the entertainment industry playing into this stereotype all the time. So good-hearted people that choose to stay behind the line, use common courtesy, and display respect for the individual are thought of as weak, hence, “nice guys finish last“.
I see this played out a lot in certain social situations – the one that comes immediately to mind is restaurants. I’ve seen people treat waiters and waitresses like doormats, berating and insulting them to get what they want – behavior totally inconsistent with the way they treat their friends and family. Why? Because if we are “nice”, we won’t get what we want.
In fact, restaurant etiquette has become somewhat of a litmus test of whether or not you are really a “nice” person – check out this article, for instance.
Here’s the bottom line for me – this goes way beyond a word that is so convoluted that it has 17 definitions in the dictionary and a disclaimer to boot. I believe that common courtesy and respect does win out in the end – I call that “goodness”. Good leads to happy and happy leads to contentment.
If you can believe that in your heart and soul, you’ll never, ever, be a loser. And you can toss that “nice guy” sentence out the window for good. It just ain’t true.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Terry – because you model so well what you say here — it piques my curiosity even more for the topic of tone! Thanks.
What would be a starting point, in your mind, for a person who say … Yes this is true … but…?
Any suggestions?
Hi Ellen! See you in Chicago? Hope so. You have posed an interesting question – a case of cognitive dissonance. You know it’s “good to be good”, but yet you act as if the opposite were true. I’d ask a follow up question – Do you believe in yourself? I think the answer lies in self-esteem.
All the best.
We are talking about the world of business, yes? If so:
Nice guys finish last.
Nice girls finish last.
Jillayne, thanks for stopping by. I consider myself in the “nice guy” category, and I certainly don’t consider myself “last” in the business world. It can be done. However, I understand the difficulty in believing that in many workplace situations. The key is trying to put yourself in a non-toxic environment where “nice” is respected. Easier said than done, I know.
All the best.