I remember how being called nice didn’t exactly work to a person’s advantage, especially in the dating arena. “Oh, you are such a nice guy” was NOT what you wanted to hear from the object of your affection. Then there is the famous expression, “nice guys always finish last” – heck, there was even a movie made with that title, that supposedly “proves” that this is true. Just do a Google news search and it’s still being used as a way to generally describe “wimpy” behavior (especially in sports), like this one I found from the Denver Post.
I’ve also been told, on occasion, that I was “too nice” to people. Too nice?
So what’s with “Nice” anyway? How did it become so pejorative? The problem is, it has too many meanings. Take a look at the list (thanks to Dictionary.com):
1. pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit.
2. amiably pleasant; kind: They are always nice to strangers.
3. characterized by, showing, or requiring great accuracy, precision, skill, tact, care, or delicacy: nice workmanship; a nice shot; a nice handling of a crisis.
4. showing or indicating very small differences; minutely accurate, as instruments: a job that requires nice measurements.
5. minute, fine, or subtle: a nice distinction.
6. having or showing delicate, accurate perception: a nice sense of color.
7. refined in manners, language, etc.: Nice people wouldn’t do such things.
8. virtuous; respectable; decorous: a nice girl.
9. suitable or proper: That was not a nice remark.
10. carefully neat in dress, habits, etc.
11. (esp. of food) dainty or delicate.
12. having fastidious, finicky, or fussy tastes: They’re much too nice in their dining habits to enjoy an outdoor barbecue.
13. Obsolete. coy, shy, or reluctant.
14. Obsolete. unimportant; trivial.
15. Obsolete. wanton. —Idioms
16. make nice, to behave in a friendly, ingratiating, or conciliatory manner.
17.nice and, sufficiently: It’s nice and warm in here.
[Origin: 1250–1300; ME: foolish, stupid <>science) + -us adj. suffix]
In looking at this, I realize that this “problem” has existed with this word for over 700 years (check out the origin), but what I want to know is, how did it evolve from “stupid” to “kind”? I don’t think the dictionary folks have a clue. In fact, check this statement out from the definition posting:
“The semantic history of nice is quite varied, as the etymology and the obsolete senses attest, and any attempt to insist on only one of its present senses as correct will not be in keeping with the facts of actual usage. If any criticism is valid, it might be that the word is used too often and has become a cliché lacking the qualities of precision and intensity that are embodied in many of its synonyms.”
Yep, I think so.
What to do then? I say, banish the word entirely. Then, “you are such a nice guy” becomes the more direct “you are such an undesirable person for a dating partner“, and “nice guys finish last” becomes “men who lack appropriate skills to compete but aren’t all that concerned about it are probably going to end up last“.
And what about those folks calling me “too nice“? I suppose I could reply, “please clarify, because you are using a cliche lacking the qualities of precision and intensity that are embodied in many of its synonyms“, but I think I prefer the pithier “So What?”. As Popeye says, “I am what I am” (even if it’s a hopelessly imprecise and obsolete adjective).
What do you think – shall we lobby to get “nice” banished? In any case, it’s out of the Half-Full dictionary!
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My feelings EXACTLY! Nice is bland, and icky! I say aim for GREAT, and don’t stop there. Have a NICE day? Yuck! Make it a GREAT day! There you go!
As someone else who hears that “too nice” thing — what about the folks who expect it? Gosh wouldn’t they be surprised if one day, you said,”Okay, I don’t feel very nice today.” Off to the ER with you . . . you must be feeling ill nice people don’t act that way.
This was a very nice post.
Actually it was excellent in every way!
Right on Phil! No surprise we’re on the same page here.
And Liz, it also doesn’t surprise me that you hear that “icky” word too. I do often wonder what would happen if I stopped the “niceness” – I probably would be in the loony bin, not just the ER!
Thanks to the both of you – keep inspiring me.
I’m completely with you on this. “Nice” means so much that it doesn’t mean anything anymore – it’s filler.
(besides, Liz isn’t all that nice
– she’s supportive, nurturing, sharing, but don’t even think she won’t kick your butt if she thinks you need it!!! Be careful, Phil, be very careful!)
Ah, I love this post! I get niced quite a bit but the one that really makes me wince is “sweet.”
It’s not that I object to being sweet…or nice. But those words have connotations that I don’t associate with myself. As Liz suggested, it’s not just nice, it’s “too nice” and I hear that in my head as “sucker.” Who wants to be called that?
Your objection to the word is a good reminder to all the copywriters out there. What a word means via the dictionary is often not what our audiences hear.
I’ve enjoyed your posts for quite a while…thanks for making me think. I’m still working on my I Believe statement. I’ll share it with you when I am done pondering it.
Thanks Ann and Drew for stopping by!
Ann, thanks for the advice about Liz, and I hope Phil was listening
Drew, you mention “sweet” – I’d forgotten about that one; I’d always wince when I’d hear “he’s so sweet” . Yuck. Look forward to your Belief statement!
Terry, I absolutely agree with your Popeye outlook. At the same time, getting honest feedback is useful, so I try to take advantage of it. Whenever I get feedback that does not ring true, I try to use it as an opportunity for self-reflection.
I recently got “nice guy” from a colleague with whom I had seldom interacted before. Because I knew I would be working with this person more, I asked for details. The response was that they thought that I might not project myself forcefully enough when it came time to “advocate” for the team.
Someone who was more familiar with me might not have had that impression, but this colleague did. Thinking back, I realized that in at least one of our previous encounters, I had indeeed under-represented my position. Thus, the “nice guy” tag reinforced my ownassessment and gave me a better grasp on how I can be viewed by others.
As you point out, the term “nice” is largely useless. It’s so vague that it can cloak otherwise valuable feedback.
Blaine, thanks for the comment! Your point is well taken -in fact I had considered “please explain yourself” instead of “so what” in my post. We are who we are, that’s for sure, but a little constructive feedback is always a good thing – as long as the word “nice” isn’t involved! All the best.
The fact of the matter is that there ARE nice guys out there who are successful with women. There is also an element of self- proclaimed “Nice Men” who use the tried and true adage of Nice Men Finish Last as a kind of scapegoat. These type of men will defend this saying to the death. I used to be one of these type of guys, until I got real with myself. As painful as is was, I had to admit to myself that I simply was no good with women- and that is no one elses fault (or problem for that matter).
Thanks for your comment! I agree with you on the scapegoat thing -”nice”, however you define it, has very little to do with how well we do, or don’t do. All the best.
This former “nice guy” is damned tired of having his heart rended and being thrown away by women he loves, only to have them come back to him and complain about the way that the “bad boy” treats them.
Are there any women out there who appreciate being treated like platinum, or is the danger that goes with dating the “bad boy” that alluring?
Thanks for your comment – I know what you mean; on a couple of occasions I had the same thing happen to me. I too thought that the “bad boy” allure was common with all women at one point, but then I met my wife and I knew it wasn’t the case. They do exist, and hopefully someone just like my wife will come into your life. Here’s hoping, and all the best.